Fitzroy Fastball's Halloween etiquette guide

I've never been one that has had a love for Halloween. Even as a kid I wasn't really into it. Costumes seemed stupid, but I guess the candy was OK.

Mrs Fastball is on the other hand a big fan of Halloween, so she is the one that takes the lads out every year while I stay home and hand out the candy.

Given my years of experience as the candy giver-outer, here are some pro tips with respect to Halloween etiquette, all based on actual costumes tonight, several worn by kids that I have coached over the years in the local softball league. Assume four candies distributed as a baseline.

- Dressing up in your football or hockey uniform is NOT a costume. Even I though I am a big fan of fastball, dressing up in a ball uniform also is lame. RESULT: Minus 2 candies.

- Throwing on a bathrobe over your clothes and saying you are a "sleepwalker" is extra WEAK. RESULT: Minus 3 candies.

- Anyone older than 14 still trying to go door to door and collect candy is PITIFUL and bad parenting. RESULT: Minus 3 candies.

- White kid dressed as Buckwheat, complete with blackface make up. Sorry, not acceptable. (For more on this see Bruce Arthur's article today in the National Post.) RESULT: Minus 3 candies.

- Wearing and old sheet with eye holes and going as a "ghost" is better than the two above, but still a bit lame. RESULT: Minus 1 candy.

- Wearing camouflage hunting gear or farm overalls with matching John Deere ball cap is not a 'costume' in Fitzroy. If you or your dad regularly wears these same clothes to work or school or every weekend, that doesn't qualify. RESULT: Minus 1 candy.

- Sending out two brothers, both old enough to be playing ball with nine year old Fitzroy Junior, respectively as 1) a butterly and 2) a prom queen is a bit disconcerting. They have an older sister (hand me down costumes?) and not a lot of money. RESULT: Regular amount of candy and a whole lot of pity.

- Witches, monsters, goblins, zombies etc. that are actually truly scary Halloween outfits are best. RESULT: Plus 3 candies.

- Creative costumes like the neighbour's six year old kid dressed in full chef attire including hat, oven mitts, apron, etc. using a cooking pot to collect candy are acceptable. Not really scary, but at least some thought has been put into it. RESULT: Plus 2 candies.

- Extra polite kids that say "please", "thanks" and laugh at my jokes, as long as they have put a resonable level of effort into their outfits and are age appropriate get a small bonus. RESULT: Plus 1 candies.

- Little wee kids dressed up as hotdogs or butterflies or pumpkins are okay. (I'm not heartless!) RESULT: Plus 2 candies.

- Now if your dad happens to be a friend of mine and he gives ME a little treat (see below) then I don't care what you are wearing, you are good to go. RESULT: Grab the bowl and take as much as you want since I've been distracted.